Beautiful piece, and so true! As I’m sure you know, making amends is the 9th step of recovery in AA (and, I assume, other 12-step programs). My amends-writing and -making process has been so meaningful and valuable and has taught me a lot. You are so right about having to send the apology off into the world, fully formed, without expectation or strings attached. It’s so freeing to have “my side of the street clean,” as they say. And I have SO been there with speaking harshly/rough handling (I have two boys ages 3 & 1). I just break my own heart when it happens (infrequently, thankfully). When I get like that I have found it’s always a warning signal that I need something - a snack, a break, etc. My therapist assures me that the “repair” is valuable to these beautiful, wonderful, innocent, frustrating, crazy-making little people!
I love that you brought 12-step work and the amends-making step into the conversation. It’s actually something I’ve also thought about quite a bit, having worked in addiction counseling and attended Alanon myself for a brief stint. I think the AA framing of amends-making has really informed my approach to apology, especially the piece about making a list of ALL those we have harmed and making amends, EXCEPT where to do so would cause more harm. And as challenging as it is to genuinely offer that no-strings attached apology but I really do appreciate that framework as a guiding structure for spiritual growth and healing.
I also love what your therapist says about repair, thanks for reminding me of that, mama! Keeping that in mind helps me have more grace for myself in the tough moments, too.
Thanks so much for reading and offering such a thoughtful reflection to the piece, Julia❣️
Tana, to this light. An apology is as sincere as this piece when arising from the intricate flow of soul to abate the egoic preceiver, to honest a moment of reacting. This written love is beautiful to this heal of sorry.
I’m happy to have found this post! My boss called me out for apologizing too much today, and I’ve been reflecting on WHY I apologize so much.. is it even sincere? a cultural thing? apologizing for existing? what makes a good apology? this has been in my head all day & it’s nice to know someone else is reflecting on it, too!
I know all about those lines of thinking, as well as the over apologizing! I feel like the teasing apart of why we over apologize was a whole other rabbit hole I could have gone down in this piece, but for some reason didn’t, and I really appreciate you bringing it in with these questions and reflections. And the part about “apologizing for existing”— I know that feeling so well too, and I think realizing that that was undergirding a lot of my apologizing was what stoked the fire of being determined to stop saying sorry altogether. I hope your own journey of reflecting on the why of your own relationship to apology is fruitful, and I really appreciate you reading and offering your resonance here in the comments, Rachael! 🧡
Just in time for the holidays… Thank you, Tana for taking this journey and sharing what you’re learning and your growing edges. Beautifully written. You always leave me wanting more.
Beautiful piece, and so true! As I’m sure you know, making amends is the 9th step of recovery in AA (and, I assume, other 12-step programs). My amends-writing and -making process has been so meaningful and valuable and has taught me a lot. You are so right about having to send the apology off into the world, fully formed, without expectation or strings attached. It’s so freeing to have “my side of the street clean,” as they say. And I have SO been there with speaking harshly/rough handling (I have two boys ages 3 & 1). I just break my own heart when it happens (infrequently, thankfully). When I get like that I have found it’s always a warning signal that I need something - a snack, a break, etc. My therapist assures me that the “repair” is valuable to these beautiful, wonderful, innocent, frustrating, crazy-making little people!
I love that you brought 12-step work and the amends-making step into the conversation. It’s actually something I’ve also thought about quite a bit, having worked in addiction counseling and attended Alanon myself for a brief stint. I think the AA framing of amends-making has really informed my approach to apology, especially the piece about making a list of ALL those we have harmed and making amends, EXCEPT where to do so would cause more harm. And as challenging as it is to genuinely offer that no-strings attached apology but I really do appreciate that framework as a guiding structure for spiritual growth and healing.
I also love what your therapist says about repair, thanks for reminding me of that, mama! Keeping that in mind helps me have more grace for myself in the tough moments, too.
Thanks so much for reading and offering such a thoughtful reflection to the piece, Julia❣️
Such a beautiful piece, thank you :)
Thank YOU, Lucile!
Profoundly true !
Thank you … 🙏
You are welcome, and I’m so glad to hear this resonates with you, Dori!
Tana, to this light. An apology is as sincere as this piece when arising from the intricate flow of soul to abate the egoic preceiver, to honest a moment of reacting. This written love is beautiful to this heal of sorry.
Always grateful for your galactic reflections and inimitable way with words, dear Martha ✨💓
Beautiful, Tana!
Thanks, Uncle Jeff. Means so much to have you reading along here with me, sending love & gratitude your way 💓
I’m happy to have found this post! My boss called me out for apologizing too much today, and I’ve been reflecting on WHY I apologize so much.. is it even sincere? a cultural thing? apologizing for existing? what makes a good apology? this has been in my head all day & it’s nice to know someone else is reflecting on it, too!
I know all about those lines of thinking, as well as the over apologizing! I feel like the teasing apart of why we over apologize was a whole other rabbit hole I could have gone down in this piece, but for some reason didn’t, and I really appreciate you bringing it in with these questions and reflections. And the part about “apologizing for existing”— I know that feeling so well too, and I think realizing that that was undergirding a lot of my apologizing was what stoked the fire of being determined to stop saying sorry altogether. I hope your own journey of reflecting on the why of your own relationship to apology is fruitful, and I really appreciate you reading and offering your resonance here in the comments, Rachael! 🧡
Just in time for the holidays… Thank you, Tana for taking this journey and sharing what you’re learning and your growing edges. Beautifully written. You always leave me wanting more.
Love you, mom! 💞